Co-listening
I often visit Chapter 2 of my yoga teacher training textbook: The Yoga of Relationships. The very first paragraph says, “Being in a relationship with another human being is a unique and dynamic art form. It is the practice of holding your own truth and sense of self while at the same time honoring and respecting the truth and wisdom of others.” (Indira Kate Kalmbach, 2014).
Chapter 2 breaks down the Yoga of Relationships into three components: a) an understanding of interrelationships, b) a commitment to multiple perspectives, and c) a healthy awareness of boundaries. These days, I resonate deeply with component b) a commitment to multiple perspectives.
The ugliness of contemporary news, existence of “cancel culture” and widespread misinformation (to name a few things) can certainly complicate our ability to foster healthy and judgement-free relationships with one another (as human beings collectively). Our perspectives, habits, actions, and how we understand the world are connected to our individual and unique lived experiences. Understandably then, some of my own perspectives, habits, actions, and understandings will diverge (even marginally) from those of whom I share even the strongest relationships with.
When these divergences arise, opportunities to listen present themselves. We can learn so much from one another if we take the time to listen to one another. Note: I mean “listening” colloquially, as in to give time and attention to understanding what another person is communicating. I emphasize the word “give” because the practice of deep, conscious and present listening may be one of the best gifts we can offer another person. The process of deep listening is the catalyst for enhancing our ability to commit to (and honour) multiple perspectives. And so perhaps, the gift of deep listening is one we also give ourselves.
During my first yoga teacher training, we practiced “Co-listening” as one method to realize the Yoga of Relationships. Co-listening is a mindfulness practice that supports both the listener and speaker by allowing both parties to participate in authentic, inter-connected, deep and present communication. This graphic presents a step-by-step on how to practice.
Set an amount of time to sit and be with the person you’d like to practice with. For example, 20 minutes per person (40 minutes), and perhaps 20 minutes more for open discussion (60 minutes total).
Sit comfortably, but in such a way so that eye-contact is not possible (i.e. back-to-back or side-by-side). This prevents the listener from offering non-verbal feedback.
One person speaks and the other listens for the full duration of time allotted to that person (i.e. 20 minutes). The first speaker can share anything and everything he or she feels comfortable and compelled to share. Or they can sit in silence. Interestingly, when we give another person uninterrupted time and space to express themselves, we allow them freedom to share their deepest and most authentic thoughts.
Then, you switch roles - the first listener now has an opportunity to speak, and the first speaker a chance to listen.
Open the floor for discussion (optional). This final step is welcome if you and your Co-listening partner would benefit from the chance to openly communicate about what each of you said (or didn’t say). You may need this additional step to close the conversation, or you may instead benefit from concluding the exercise at step 4. Allow yourself the discretion.
Have you tried Co-listening before? How did it go? If you do try this practice, let me know what you think!